Menstrual Blues

Today is one of those days that makes me absolutely certain God is a man. No female deity would ever allow women to have; on a regular basis yet; bloating, flatulence, constipation followed by a 'cleansing' period, breast tenderness and swelling (to what feels like 7 times their normal size), low back pain, aching legs, fluid retention and menstrual cramps. I'd really like to be able to get my hand up there and rip that uterus out by its roots some months. This is one of those months.

I am 49 years old, have absolutely no desire to procreate further and haven't had that desire for close to fifteen years. If God were a woman, we'd have a simple menstrual "on-off" switch. Once we know we're done childbearing, we could simply flip the switch and do away with the menstrual cycle altogether? I mean, does the evolutionary process really expect me to bear children at this age? I'd sooner eat a live cockroach and worm salad! So, you turn it on when you're 21 (and finished college) and turn it off by 40. (And any woman who hasn't flipped the switch by 46 gets a mandatory psychiatric evaluation! ; )

Don't you agree your period should just fade away gracefully, like an aging Southern belle rather than wreaking havoc like Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard? But no, no, no. A spiteful, obviously male God has other plans. Now, instead of being blessed with the bleeding and associated symptomatology every 28 days, I'm fortunate enough to receive the visit every 21 to 24 days! Hey, at least I'm no longer suffering from PMS for two weeks every month, which means no one else is suffering from it either. That only lasted for about three years. Gee, maybe that's what happened in that failed relationship...

Then there's the grand finale...menopause! Hot flashes. Night sweats. Irritability. Increased risk of heart disease and osteoporosis. Just like in the movie, you know somebodys gotta die...and it ain't going to be Bill Holden this time!

Young women...your mission, and I hope you will choose to accept it, is to prove Lawrence Summers wrong...go out there and excel in science and engineering. We need a PMS pill and effective treatment for menopause. Alternatively, we need that "on-off" switch. Women, and their loved ones, the world over need relief and we need it now!