On Coming Out

I am a lesbian, in case you hadn't noticed.

I considered naming this post "A Silly Little Post About Nothing," but thought better of it as I typed. It turned out to be much more than the post I was considering about how much I enjoy sex. Guess you'll just have to wait for that one. This has evolved into my coming out story, from the perspective of someone who was late in coming. Yes, I am a lesbian and I like sex.

Funny, for a lesbian, I've had sex with more men than women and more sex with men that with women. I was a late bloomer, you see. Someday I might get into the whole family story but right now I want to focus on me. : )

I became aware I was attracted to girls at age 16 and declared myself "bisexual" at 18. Then I met a man and married at 19, had a child at 22 and divorced at 25. I dated a few men and had sexual relationships with two over the next several years then swore off men until I met one I could respect, a man I was truly interested in, a man that was more to me than just his penis. I'm still waiting. (Sorry, guys! It's not personal.)

When I was in my early thirties, I realized my sister-in-law was gay and that I was very attracted to her. Fortunately, she moved off to the gay Mecca of the US around that time so Mike is spared decades of therapy. He should easily be able to get through his traumatic childhood issues in less than ten years. I knew Sis was gay before she did, as it turns out. I have a very intuitive and perceptive nature. Do all Pisceans or is it just me? When I was in my mid-thirties, Sis came out to me and my response was something along the lines of, "Yeah. And?" I left SF after that visit and presumed I'd return to my old, celibate, "bisexual" life. (Aside: Sis is now in a successful long-term relationship, she and her lovely partner have a set of twins and she was a very busy, happy Mama when I last saw her. : )

Well, my gears got going. Thoughts I'd had many years ago returned to haunt me..."If she's a lesbian and I'm attracted to her, what does that make me?" Silly, huh? I guess I was a slow learner. Within six months of that visit I had a revelation. "Psssst...It's not all about sex."

You see, when I considered myself bi, I really considered myself primarily heterosexual with an interest in women on the side. But it all centered around sex. What made me change the way I thought about myself was realizing how much more women meant in my life than men. Really, I was primarily interested in men for sex, and I used sex as a weapon against them. Ouch! It was all about sex which was all about power.

But women were different. With women, I was able to communicate on many levels. I cared about women. Women were the people I was interested in. I felt comfortable with women in a way I never did with men. And, yes, by the way...I also thought I'd like to try having sex with a woman. : ) You see, I am a lesbian who likes sex.

It still took me quite a while to take the next logical step. It's not easy raising your son in your hometown when you want to be a big, ole dyke. Well, it's not if you were me in the 90's. It wasn't until 2000 that I met the first woman I would kiss. It was very nice. : )

So, since then I've left her, met and broke up with another and decided to take a breather. For the past, sheesh, almost two years, I've been working on a love affair with myself. I'm sorry if this post and this blog seem a little self-centered but that's pretty much what it's about.

I highly recommend a layover, if you have the opportunity. I have found such clarity over the last two years. When my family came into town for my dad's service last month, my "aunt" (she is married to my uncle but she's always just been, "Sue") well, Sue told me she had never seen me so complete and happy. She's right. I've never felt so whole.

I'm straying off topic. Better read this while it's hot because this may be one that goes "bye-bye" come the AM. Every lesbian has a story. This was mine. I love who I am now and part of that was coming to understand that love does not equal sex. And that the people I love happen to be the same gender as me. Go figger.